Maybe This Was My Life
by Mouth2mouth
Summary: When your younger, no body tells you how your life will go. What you'll accomplish, what you'll see, who you'll meet. They only tell you that you need two things in life, love and a career.
1. Chapter 1

This wasn't how I imagined my life was going to go. I hadn't anticipated all the factors that came with the job, with relationships, with myself. My life wasn't planned like this.

Neither was hers.

I stood outside of her apartment. The thick brown door was the only thing stopping me from talking to her, seeing her.

It had only been day two of her three-month suspension and the only thing I hated about my shift was her not there with me. Her words from our last shift together were on consent repeat and nothing distracted me long enough to get them off my mind.

_"Sometimes people need a little help, whether they know it or not."_

What if it was her way of asking for help? Her I don't want to come right out and ask my lesbian partner to help me with my heartache but if she offered I wouldn't turn her down, way of asking.

I swallowed the feeling that was in my throat ever since I walked into her building and pounded my fist on her door twice. I shoved my hands back into my pocket and waited for her to open the door.

I pulled one hand out of my pocket and was about to hit her door again when it swung open. I yanked it back into my pocket before she noticed how impatient I was looked.

"Shay?" Her puzzled expression made me instantly regret coming. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come, you said you needed time, I just… sorry for coming." I put my head down and turned on my heels.

"Since you're here, you might as well come in." I felt her hand on my arm.

Her door clicked shut and I was in her apartment. "This won't take long, I just wanted to see how you were holding up. It was odd not having you out there today."

"We've only known each other for six weeks Shay. You're back with your old partner, how weird could it have been?" She plopped herself onto her couch, she nodded to where I could throw my jacket. This wasn't going to be an in and out visit after all. "Why don't you tell me why your actually here? I'm sure you still need to watch Orange is the New Black, so why don't you tell me why you're here? After a forty-eight hour shift, when we both know how exhausted and cranky you get."

"I don't get cranky." I sat on the opposite side of her couch. Her eyes were piercing me. Why did I come here? Was it really just to check up on her? Give her a possible shoulder to cry on. "Besides, I came here because I missed your homophobic comments." I tried my best to make eye contact with her but she broke away.

"You know a whole two days and not one person asked me who was on Ellen, I was a little concerned that my gayness wasn't detectable anymore." I cracked a smile but she didn't laugh.

"Do you want a drink?" She was looking at her hands when she asked. "A beer perhaps? I might have some whiskey somewhere…" Her voice trailed off as she got up and escaped through what I assumed to be the kitchen doorway.

"I'd love a beer." She reentered the room with two beers and a bottle of rum.

"Shay, why did you really come here?" She handed me the beer and took her place on the couch again.

"To be honest, Rafferty, I'm not entirely sure anymore. I thought it was because I thought you might want some company, but now I'm not so sure." I twisted the cap and took a long sip. "I mean, clearly you do but maybe it's my company you don't want."_  
_  
I saw her lift the bottle to her lips and drink. Maybe I did come here with other intentions and I hadn't realized. Maybe she knew what they were.

"You know that's not true." Rafferty took another drink before putting her bottle on a table near her. "We didn't always get a long, but you know that I enjoy your company."

She had a point. We fought more then we got a long. Bickered like a married couple. "Do you honestly believe we would have ended up getting a divorce?" I put my bottle on the table in front of me and turned my body to get a better look at her. "I mean professionally, do you think we wouldn't have worked out as partners?"

"What do you mean?" She looked at me and she could tell I wanted a real answer to her comment. "Were not compatible."

The three words stung as they sunk in. I knew the feeling all to well, I had fallen for this straight girl.

"Nothing against you, but you're a lesbian, you like sports, flannel shirts, shows about lesbians, talking about girls…, the only thing we have in common is the fact were both paramedics. We wouldn't have anything to talk about besides work.." She picked up her bottle and downed the rest of her beer.

"You know that's only part true." I twirled my fingers trying to gather my words. "Yes I like flannel, yes I'm a lesbian, yes I like TV shows with lesbians in them, and yes I like talking about girls. But I only talk about girls with Severide, I watch other shows then lesbian tv, I don't like sports, I like to think I like shoe shopping. You should stop being stereotypical and actually try to get to know me, I might surprise you." I studied her face, trying to predict her reaction. She reached for the rum bottle, opening and closing her mouth every few seconds.

"I can't get to know you." It was finally my turn to give her a puzzling expression. "I mean I would like to, I just can't." She got up off her couch. "I'm tired, do you think you could see yourself out?"

"Yeah, okay." I stood up and finished off my beer. "Alison, wait a second. What do you mean you can't?" She halted on her staircase and turned to face me.

"I can't, I have a lot to process and deal with. I can't add you into the mix." I finish putting my arm through my coat.

"You need a friend." I looked up at her. "I just want to be your friend." She broke her gaze and stepped down a couple of stairs. "I really did just come over here to see if you were alright. I didn't have any lesbian intentions or anything. I just wanted to offer you a little help without you asking for it." I found my zipper and started pulling it up. "Anyway thank you for the beer, call me if you do want some company. I am a great listener."

"Shay, thank you." Her hand gripped her stairwell. The figurative ball was now in her court and she needed to take the steps. "Have a goodnight." 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - Hey everybody, here's the next chapter. Sorry that its rather short, I just needed it for a plot development. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

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Chapter Two

I left her apartment feeling remorseful. I hadn't exactly planned on telling her I wanted to be her friend. There was something about her, and the moment I met her I felt pulled to her in sorts. I didn't want to throw the friend word around, but it was clear that it was what she needed.

The air was crisp, the wind had finally died down enough to breath without your lungs struggling in the process. There was something peaceful about walking around after the majority of people had gone to bed. It wasn't my first time walking home after hours, nor would it be my last.

It turned out that Alison only lived a couple blocks away from Severide and I so it made for a short walk. Who would have thought that she would have lived so close to a lesbian? I suppressed my small chuckle.

I had reached home in almost record time. The lights were off and the house already looked rather lonely. I walked through the door and threw my keys into the small dish by the door. My boots slipped off and I was thankful for the in floor heating system. Severide must have gone to bed early.

I started my bedtime routine, trying to be quiet so the noise wouldn't echo throughout the apartment. My phone dinged and I felt like a schoolgirl wondering if it was Rafferty texting goodnight or something. It wasn't.

I climbed into my bed and plugged my phone in hearing the same ding as before. What the hell was going through my mind? I had promised myself never to get a crush on a straight girl, and everything about Rafferty screamed straight. The way she talked, the way her guard was always up around me, the way she always assumed I was hitting on her. Everything about her was straight, right down to her last relationship.

I rolled over facing my phone, if she wasn't going to text me maybe I would text her.

I pounded the touch keyboard with expert fingers. The idea that she would immediately respond was enough to give my stomach butterflies. As much as I wanted to get to know more about her, I wanted to do it face to face.

_"Hey I just wanted to say thanks for the beer tonight, I know you went to bed early but I wanted to thank you again. Talk to you soon."_

I placed my phone back down on the nightstand and closed my eyes. I pulled my blanket up to the crook of my neck and let out a sigh.

My phone went off again and my ring tone started. I immediately smiled when I saw her name on the small screen.

"Hey," I tried not to sound eager. "I thought you were sleeping, sorry if my text woke you." I flopped back on to my pillows.

"I couldn't sleep." She sounded concerned and it was a bit alarming. I didn't want to be the cause of a restless night.

"Everything alright?" I softened my tone, trying my best to be a good friend. Writing a list of the right questions to ask in my head.

"Yeah." She paused before continuing. "I've just been thinking about everything and my brain doesn't want to shut down long enough for me to fall asleep."

"I don't know if this is helpful but I read somewhere that if you lay completely still for fifteen minutes your body thinks your sleeping and you'll just fall asleep. I don't know if you want to try that or not?" I hoped she would just brush the lame comment off. I wanted to talk to her as long as possible.

"I know this probably sounds ridiculous, especially coming from me. But do you mind just talking to me until I fall asleep? It's nice just hearing someone's voice and having the presence near by. I totally understand if you don't want to, I'm sure you were trying to sleep or heading there or something." She paused again waiting for me to response. I didn't know what to say. What I really wanted to say was I could just come over, or you're more then welcome to come spend the night with me. That was a huge step that she wasn't ready for.

"What are friends for?" I mentally kicked myself for throwing the friend word around again. "Rafferty," My voice dropped another octave. "Before you fall asleep to the sound of my voice, because that's highly romantic and all, what are you doing tomorrow?"

"Nothing, why?" Her voice no longer sounded concerned. She seemed to be relieved.

"I was planning on going for a hike, I was wondering if you wanted to come. You know escape the confinements that the city has to offer and run away to nature." My stomach formed a knot. I wasn't asking her on a date, was I?

"Is this was you lesbians do on your days off? Whatever happened to hitting the strip clubs and watching the L Word?"

"We could always do that if you would prefer." I imagined her facial expression and I let out a laugh. "All kidding aside, the trail is quite beautiful and it's a really relaxing experience."

"This isn't a date, right? We'll be going as just friends, right?" Was she catching on to me? Were my comments and eye wandering making it obvious that I didn't want to actually be her friend?

"Dawson and Casey are going as well, so really you'd be doing me a favour so I wouldn't be a third wheel." I pushed down the tiny panic attack I felt knowing damn well that Dawson and Casey had no idea that they'd be going hiking tomorrow.

"Oh." Rafferty said.

There was a long pause on the phone before either one of us decided to say something.

"I could swing by around eight and we could head out, make a day of it." I wasn't sure if I was helping the situation or not by giving her detailed plans.

"Okay." I heard a squeak and what sounded like moving around. "I should probably trying and get some sleep then if you're going to make me hike tomorrow. Goodnight Shay, thank you for doing this."

"Anytime Rafferty, night." I closed my eyes and yawned. Deep down I knew full well that I wasn't going to get much sleep tonight.


End file.
